The Fire

I was your rock, your safe haven

after all your troubling days

I sheltered you,

my arms like branches,

blocking you from the storm

My shade a place to rest.

We tended this gentle forest

together and I thought

our trees would be ancient.

You told me that you and I

were stars, and that we would

travel through space together forever,

but your heart drifted so far

I couldn’t see your light any  longer.

When the words that left your lungs

didn’t match the words that

echoed in your soul,

I swept the broken pieces of truth

under the rug and made excuses

for the distant thoughts that

glazed over your eyes,

as you journeyed to a world that

felt so far from mine.

You arsonist,

you coward.

You burnt down the one thing we loved

with a single sulfuric match.

And to you I was an

unrecognizable being,

smoldering,

I crawled from the debris,

my tender flesh peeling

on every stone,

my bark splintering away from my core

dragging my corpse painfully

across all of our memories,

as I agonized over what I had done

to lose you, your footprints

still rising from the dust.

I scrubbed my skin raw

till I was bloody and numb

in your absence,

I was metronome,

clicking out each day with

diligence-

But every click, was the

same monotonous click

for weeks.

And even when you texted me

in the early morning hours:

“You were my rock, and

I’ve not been doing well,

I don’t feel what I used to,

all I feel now is pain,

I miss you more with each day,

I’m sorry I left you,

my heart hurts so badly.”

I felt nothing

because my roots were

severed from my leaves

and the sand had quickly filled

the spaces where lakes

once nourished us.

I stopped wondering what went

wrong, I took up sewing,

and learned to stitch the remains

of my brokenness back together

from the melted limbs

and incredibly

the pieces learned

to grow back together.

Different.

You’re different.

When I’m with you

I’m really excited for the future,

I’m not scared of the past,

and I’m so aware in the present.

You ask, “what can I give?”

not, “What can I take?”

I can feel your soul,

and It’s so warm,

so caring,

so genuine.

You help me see the

world through different eyes,

It’s filled with possibilities.

You’re seeing through my exterior

And the wall

I’ve built to keep myself safe,

But you make me feel

Safe.

I want to know you. 

I want to learn so much about you.

I feel so differently about you

than I’ve ever felt before.

and I am so lucky

that I kept my eyes open

long enough to see you.

because you’re wonderful.

you’re making me believe in things

I thought I gave up on long ago.

You’re different.

Boards

Apparently not

incompatible where

doubt of you once

                      Plagued me.

My head               swims

vision of water glass

movie we never actually

                          Gaze with glass

eyes cluttering

me right through               fabric

clanking to shiny wooden floor

boards

of your beautiful home and I

can’t help but wonder

if you’re just as beautiful on

the inside of silken

guitar string fingers

where your voice hides

answers to so many.

        You listen so carefully.

I want to listen just like

            you

but all I hear is strings.

                   Compatible.

I just want to take your

shiny floor boards

piece by piece

And build myself

Like you.

Delicate

16179451_10211750869437673_1283503821446344123_o

“Shhhhh” you plead with me

to calm my wild heart

beating soul to tears

and fire burning like oil

                   Spill Mistake

my spirit like putrid pond

water you drink me

down with disgust,

I want to be like strawberry

lemonade pleasing to you

“I can learn to be delicate”

I whisper as softly as I can

muster but we

Both know I’ll never

be that soft

                     baby,

my heart is pumice

obsidian hardened

by heat

                 pressure.

Sweet.

I would say that this syrup

dripping down my throat

collecting in my lungs

the hint of citrus and everything

orange I love for anything

that happens to have

a trace of you

of hands I’ve never held

for kiss I’ve never

managed to find you where we should be

I’m turning twenty four in an hour and I’ve never felt

so alone and soiled

stained by love lost over and over

an unpleasing rag of spoil

used too many times it’s lost meaning

like all of the times they told me they

love me and never meant it

I want to rip the skin from my bones

and start over push the

red button and self destruct

hit the reset button and

start a new save I’ve lost all

ability to feel and I hate

withering to ashes

because I want to love but

my heart’s hissing telling

me not to go there.

I want to breathe you in

have the vapor of you disintegrate

my cells and your honey drown

me till I have decayed into nothing

my heart’s like an apple that’s rotten

From the inside still beautiful

on the outside it broadcasts

‘hey, come love me, see how

Beautiful I am’

They all say that till they

see the mangled circuitry below

Tangled carcass, unspeakable thing

It’s rank and elicits gag-like revulsion

honey, I want to be pure again and easy

to love but times bearing down on me like

a rapist and I can’t

speak when your fists pushing so hard

it’s breaking teeth and

the Liquid is choking me till I’m faded

tell me I’m not mistaken.

I haven’t thrown it away

By ruining myself on

Purpose.

This Year in Review

2016, a year we all came into with hopes and dreams and strong feelings of optimism. By the end of the year, most of us were left fairly battered and bruised, picking up the pieces of what can only be described as a war among ourselves, with our own selves, and against the world. I’d love to say that I had avoided the hype and sensationalism of the events that happened this year, and I wouldn’t hop aboard the bandwagon of people just pleading for this year to be over. Much to my dismay, not even I could escape the pleasantries this year had to offer. This year left me disenchanted in every sense, and made me question so many things that I once firmly believed in.

 

Much like my counterparts in this messed up extravaganza, I started my year off strong and determined, full of resolve. I had such a clear trajectory for what I hoped to accomplish, and I was completely determined to make it happen. I was doing great in almost every way. I was pretty financially stable, I was making new friends, and I was running consistently at the beginning of the year. I lived on the east coast, and it was so cool to visit places I had dreamed of seeing, like New York City.

 

I was set on making all of my projects come to fruition and had my eyes geared toward grad school. It wasn’t perfect, but it was the closest I’ve been to being a legitimate adult and making things happen. Summer was fun, albeit, for an accident that left my significant other in a lot of pain for the majority of it. I was just happy to be by his side, and help him recover. Also, my mom was diagnosed with a rare form of gall bladder cancer. She is such a strong lady, but of course that doesn’t mean I didn’t worry about her.

 

As summer was winding down, I felt a strange feeling in my gut, like something terrible was going to happen.

 

If you have been reading my blog, you know what comes next. I was dumped just short of our fourth year anniversary, seemingly out of the blue. We had been doing so well, and the experience was completely jarring that it took me quite a while to come to terms that my life was once again getting flipped upside-down.

 

Needless to say, it left me hurting and pondering what love even means. I went through some bouts of depression and anxiety in this time and that was stressful, of course. But I knew I had to keep going. I found a new place to live and got a job, and finally started getting back on my feet. With my newfound loneliness, I turned my focus to working on my web comic, charging through all of the work in front of me. I tried desperately not to fill my loneliness and hurt with opportunities for relationships, and instead tried to keep myself focused on my friends and family.

 

I won’t get too far into it, but of course there was the political scramble that permeated the entire year with an “us vs. them” mentality, and no matter what side of the isle you were on we all left with feelings of anger or betrayal at the hands of people we love and care for, friends and family alike. I attempted to stay rather neutral and impartial when topics were brought up, listening to conspiracy theories that friends, relatives, and colleagues spouted from unreliable and often times fake news stories they saw on their Facebook timelines. I watched with the rest of you, as opinion turned into fact, fact turned into fiction, and the truth was believed to be snippets from celebrity twitter posts. Let it be no secret, I am a progressive who believes we need to address pressing issues, climate change, international relations, human rights, realistic economic and infrastructural improvement, but I’ve learned that regardless what you believe, people won’t sway their views. So I stayed relatively quiet.  The bottom line is, regardless of what you believe, the election brought out a lot of hate and malice for everyone, and divided us in a time when more than ever, we should be coming together.

 

There are numerous, awful things that happened this year- from the beloved celebrity deaths, to the injustices happening in our own country and all over the world. But as we move into this new year, It’s important to remember all of the good things that have happened, and all the good things that are to come. It’s the perfect time to reflect on all of those good things, and work toward more good next year.

 

This year came with a lot of good personally. My best friend and I did release our web comic (you can read the whole thing here: http://www.taleofstrun.com), and much to our delight it did smashing on release day. There is so much more we can do in order to make our viewership go up into the coming year, but overall it left us feeling excited for what is to come. My mom had surgery and she has bounced back with incredible speeds. I got to come back home to Montana and spend time with my friends and family, and it has been lovely to reconnect with everyone that I love. I’m looking to the future with new hopes, dreams, and aspirations. It’s been especially helpful having my best friend back in my life, I appreciate his love and support more that he could possibly fathom. I know in my heart this upcoming year will be so much greater than this year has ever been. It’s important for us all to be optimistic, informed, hopeful, and active in 2017.

 

So let us cheer to the New Year, and make 2017 an epic year for us all!

Stuck?

Sometimes, It feels like life is stuck in an endless loop. This endless loop is monotonous. We do the same things over and over again, it’s a formula and we’ve learned to stick with us because it seems like it’s “working”. I wake up. I go to work. I work on my other work when I am done with my socially acceptable job. I waste time on social media. And then I go to sleep, and the process continues again. It’s draining.

We are stuck. Not so much because it’s where we want to be, but it is where we are comfortable. But we are not comfortable. We are comfortably uncomfortable. We always hope and dream and pray that something is going to pull through for us, and the sky will open up and opportunity will pour from the heavens like a much needed rain in the draught. We all know that doesn’t happen, but still. We can wish right?

We are stuck. Not so much because we are lazy. Or perhaps, we are. But I believe, all sweeping generalizations aside, people of my age are trying for something. I know so many of my peers who try plan after plan with varying degrees of success. Some of us waver in and out of trying plans, and being complacent. We are never in a state of perfection or determination or realism, or in complete state of depression, complacency, or distraught. We are fluid and changing, our emotions and opinions fluxing through the entire spectrum of ambition like weather patterns on a radar. Our social conditions greatly effect our ability to work and be successful and be clear headed.

We are stuck. Not so much because we aren’t striving for greatness. We all want to do great things. We all want recognition of our accomplishments, however great or small. Many of us just don’t know how to get there. Our traditional means of “go to school” and “get a good career doing something you love” simply doesn’t apply in our current time, the infrastructure and economic environment simply aren’t sufficient enough to accommodate us in that cookie cutter scenario. That isn’t to say it hasn’t been this way before. So many people in the past couldn’t even have dreams or aspirations because they were never even exposed to the notion. We are truly fortunate to live in this time, a time that allows us to live our lives in comfort and stability. But at the same time many of us feel like we are meant for more. That we can do more and be more. And there are ways to do this, but it’s not a straightforward path, it takes a lot of soul searching and literal, physical searching.

Being stuck is a mindset.

It’s has a lot to do, not with what we do, but what we chose not to do. I’ve thought about this a lot. I could be a scientist, or a doctor, or a lawyer. I could be making much more money than I do, I could be very accomplished. But what I am is an artist, a writer, a YouTuber (a terrible one at that), a person who makes smoothies and a person who smiles at you and makes a compliment in the hopes of making your day a little bit better. Not entirely earthshattering stuff. There are a lot of individuals just like me and there are a lot of individuals just like you too. Just because one choses different paths in their career and life choices doesn’t mean they can’t have a high level of spiritual capital. A lawyer could be incredibly passionate about their work, striving to help their clients in the best way possible, and another lawyer could be a completely unpleasant asshole. They are doing the same work, and getting paid the same, but they are not congruent in terms of their spiritual capital. You can be completely miserable as a “successful” person, and completely happy as an “unsuccessful” person.

Choosing not to do anything is perfectly fine. There is no cosmic incentive for us to really DO anything. But it is in the spirit of humanity that we feel compelled to prescribe meaning and purpose to ourselves.

Your mindset and your actions have a lot to do with your state of being. If you think to yourself “I am going to do this great thing, and I’m going to make it happen if it’s the last thing I do” and you stick with it, you’re likely to have a positive outcome, regardless if it manifests itself in a way you predicted. Often these actions are failures, but it doesn’t make them any less important to your journey.

For example, I went to school for fine art. I pictured myself splattering paint in a studio, going to openings wearing all black and eating fancy cheese and drinking wine and discussing the intricacies of social and political atmospheres in the discipline of art. What am I doing now? Designing a video game and drawing a web comic. I help build websites and do a fair bit of networking and researching social trends online. It is entirely different than what I had expected, but it’s turned into something that I love doing, even though it intensive work. So while I don’t get to spend a lot of my time in galleries with prestigious art critics and being praised for my painting series on consumption, I get to play videogames, watch YouTube videos and draw blueprints and design characters and build environments and religions and societies, and I am perfectly happy doing that. I’m also going to be teaching soon, and that is not something I ever imagined doing, in fact, it was something I was trying to avoid at all costs. I have no idea if any of these actions will equal “success” (whatever that means) but I’m quite fond of the old adage, “You’ll never know till you try.”

Sometimes riding the wave of life, and what it is calling you to do, is all that we can do. Nothing about our interests and out wants and our notions is totally known without experience, and often the form of that experience is not what we expect to see.

Being stuck is an absolutely valid feeling. Sometimes it is the feeling of being stuck that propels us to do great things. Stuck can be a good thing. Stuck can be an awful thing. Sometimes feeling stuck is a side effect of our mental health, and sometimes it’s a product of our environment. And I know that the process of getting unstuck is entirely subjective. We all deal with things differently, and I respect that. But since I am writing this post, I am obligated to give my two cents on the topic, and it is all purely out of speculation, but sometimes talking about things can generate good discussion or get us thinking. (It’s part of why I write obnoxiously long things, it helps me process my own feelings as well.)

We are never truly stuck. Time is continuous, and every second is an opportunity to do something. If there is anything I can impart upon you, dear reader, it is that you should never lose your sense of wanting “to do something/ be something great”. I would encourage you to try and try again, whatever that itch is in your life. Throw yourself at the barrier again and again, until it cracks and you can see the light. Reinvent yourself, keep trying new things, keep hoping, keep going. KEEP TRYING. It is so damn hard. It’s the hardest freaking thing. I know. Sometimes getting unstuck is quick, just a turnaround of the mind. Sometimes stuck looks like YEARS. Sometimes it feels like nothing will ever happen, but (and this is another phrase that’s grown on me) “if you never try, you will never succeed”.

The very worst that can come out of it is becoming an old person who never succeeded. But you will be an epic old person who can say “I did all sorts of things. Nothing came of it but it gave me cool experiences.” Maybe that’s a success all to itself. No one measures success the same. What even is “success”? … Exactly.

So friends, I guess what I mean to say is if you feel stuck, stuck doesn’t have you, you have stuck. Stuck is in your mind, and you can throw it in the trash can. If you want/can that is. Stuck doesn’t define you, it’s just a temporary stasis we get the honor of experiencing as human beings.

Thanks for reading, and happy unstucking,

Love,

Dani.

I Think It’s You I Fear The Most!

14940135_10210868439497476_4906296693339306469_oHi Friends!!!!

Happy Halloween! Today I felt like making a little doodle that has lyrics from one of my favorite spooky songs- “Abandoned Hospital Island” by So Much Light. It’s not necessarily a Halloween song but in my heart it is. 🙂 Anyway, you guys have fun and be safe! I am not doing anything too fun or exciting, just going to sit at home and draw! (I know, so exciting! xD)

Love, hugs, and other drugs (… probably coffee. Other drugs just sounded cool there haha),

Danicka ❤